Dear fellow babies,
I hope no one mind (and is tough if you do) but today I inducted non-human baby into UoB. Is a bold step, but I believe the right one. Non-human baby in question is baby gorilla. Mummy has Googled him and thinks he is called Namoki and is nine months old. I see him today, and babies, he is very
sausagey. He climb all up the wall and when he need to get better foothold he stand on his mummy's head, and put his foot in her eye. Mummy was not sure if big gorilla was his mummy, but when he put his foot in her eye and she no complain mummy sigh and say 'is definitely his mummy'. Mummy gorilla get him down when he get stuck, and then he walk along getting under her feet, and then he go off and annoy other gorillas. Namoki gorilla, you are big furry sausage-baby, and you welcome to UoB. Oh, and mummy says is very cool cos his mummy was blind and got her eyes fixed and then had baby. Is good job she can see him to rescue him from walls.
Fellow babies, if you see sausagey babies of other species, maybe you invite them to join? Is probably best if they are animals that stay babies for more than five seconds though, as is more opportunity for sausaginess.
For the record, I quite sausagey at zoo, I decide I don't like fish so much after all, and I splash in a puddle and get my trousers all wet. But I no climb any walls.
Mummy find me this today, is mostly true.( Is rules for being a toddlerCollapse )
Is American so they spell Mummy not right. I don't agree about the toothbrush (*spit*) or that Mummies have to be hugged, but all others are true. Hugs for Mummies need to be carefully rationed, we don't want to spoil them. Save your hugs for after you been really really foul, they make Mummies love you again. Suckers.
Found a fun thing to do. When you go on holiday you spend lots of time with mummy and daddy. Then you go home and they leave you in nursery again. I make them guilty. I cry and scream when I never cry and scream at nursery before. But then when they go I have fun and play!
Fellow babies, me and deputy chair of South West branch, Baby Lucy, practise non-sleeping relay. Last night BL is awake from 1015 to midnight, and I awake half past midnight till two (well done BL, you do more better than me). I commend this idea to babies everywhere - if we coordinate right, then all through night somewhere in country parents are being woken up by UoB members! Actually I think this probably already true (kudos to small baby members) but it nice to know it. BL also get special mention for falling out of bed, is very advanced technique not normally available to such young person.
Mommy play airplane with me today. She hold me high up and I fly, fly, fly and grin and giggle. I think this good joke by Mommy. So later at bathtime I make joke too. Mommy take diaper off before she get water ready and hold me on lap. I think is good time to make pee-pees. Mommy says I "christened" her new jeans. I no care. I just think funny to pee-pee with no diaper.
My real name Abby. I just 8 weeks old. Working hard on being good UoB member though. I cry when daddy hold me. I do this becuase it make mommy anxious. She say she need "her" time. I say no. She need Abby time.
Ok, I go now, time to cry at daddy again.
Dear breastfeeding babies,
I found something new to entertain me while nursing! You should try it, too! All you have to do is grab the elastic-y bit on mummy's nursing bra* (you know, the part that stays attached to the bra that the main cup attaches to), give it a good pull, then let it go. Thwack! It was endlessly funny to see the look on my mommy's face when I did it the first time. And after I saw the reaction, boy, I couldn't wait to do it again! Mommy couldn't have minded too much, as she laughed and called me a little shit, which I know really means "wonderful, amazing boy" as she calls me it so much. : )
Have fun, and give 'em a good pull!
AlexThis is on my mommy's nighttime nursing bra, which has elastic. Her daytime nursing bra doesn't, so it isn't any fun. : (
Hello fellow babies. I hope you all behaving yourselves. Badly.
Today me and mummy go restaurant with Nanna and Pop. I admit, I not terribly sausagey. I did try to lose my shoe, bash the table very loudly with my cup, and throw my toys on the floor. However, my non-sausageyness totally out-done by Other Baby. Other Baby go 'sleep' the whole time her mummy and daddy have nice civilised lunch. Also, her mummy and daddy tell my Nanna she sleep through the night the night before. She five weeks old. I expel her from Union of Babies ON THE SPOT. I tell her this but of course she sleep so she no know. Baby Ella who was in Zizzi in Cheltenham today lunchtime - you no longer a member of Union of Babies!
I wonder if UoB able to do anything about fact I am battered baby. [Natalie!] Mummy beat me with a stick and I have bruise to show it. [NATALIE!] Oh, okay, mummy carelessly allow me to fall over and hurt myself. [Natalie. Stop it.] Mummy ... [NATALIE! WHO caused your bruise?] Oh. Okay. If you insist. I headbutt the table in the restaurant and give myself bruise on head. [Anything to add?] I did it on purpose. [And?] I cried. Actually now I think of it I quite sausagey in restaurant after all. Yay me!
Dear Union of Babies,
Please send me advice. Today my parents try to kill me. They take me up on hill for walk 'for some nice fresh air' but really I think they try to expose me like ancient Romans and Spartans. Fortunately they fail, and I not get adopted by a wolf. But I get very very cold and by the time we go back to car after about two days [half an hour - mummy] I shivery and my hands go purple. What can I do to get my own back on my evil parents?pootle_crouton
We, the UoB, have a number of suggestions.
1. Refuse to eat your tea, especially if your mummy has just cooked it from scratch using the tastiest fresh produce Sainsburys has to offer.
2. Wee on your towel.
3. Scream in an extremely distressed manner for half an hour instead of putting your taggie on your head and going to sleep.
4. Get back to us in about twelve years' time and we'll forward your query to the Union of Teenagers.
Hope this is of some use to you,
Union of Babies
Filial Revenge Unit
PS We heard your mummy got attacked by a cow whilst attempting to expose you to the elements. Serves her right, ha ha.
I call for ban on cycle helmets for babies! Make us look stupid. Wearing cycle helmet is contrary to inherent natural dignity of babies. Now if you excuse me I have to go wave my bum in the air and eat my feet.