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Sun, Feb. 20th, 2005, 09:27 pm

Dear Union of Babies,

Please send me advice. Today my parents try to kill me. They take me up on hill for walk 'for some nice fresh air' but really I think they try to expose me like ancient Romans and Spartans. Fortunately they fail, and I not get adopted by a wolf. But I get very very cold and by the time we go back to car after about two days [half an hour - mummy] I shivery and my hands go purple. What can I do to get my own back on my evil parents?


Dear pootle_crouton

We, the UoB, have a number of suggestions.

1. Refuse to eat your tea, especially if your mummy has just cooked it from scratch using the tastiest fresh produce Sainsburys has to offer.
2. Wee on your towel.
3. Scream in an extremely distressed manner for half an hour instead of putting your taggie on your head and going to sleep.
4. Get back to us in about twelve years' time and we'll forward your query to the Union of Teenagers.

Hope this is of some use to you,

Union of Babies
Filial Revenge Unit

PS We heard your mummy got attacked by a cow whilst attempting to expose you to the elements. Serves her right, ha ha.